Gorilla - A Short Story.

Gorilla has the most interesting face of anyone I have known. There is something profoundly primitive about him. He doesn’t talk much and wears a blank expression until the chance to beat someone presents itself. A glint appears in his shifty eyes, he becomes a ball of repressed anger, and everyone who knows better, splits. His real name is Martin, but I’m not supposed to know that. Gorilla is Azul’s brother.

“Babes, do you like surprises?” I had asked Azul last night.
“No, I don’t” she responded, “surprises always seem to go wrong.”
“Well, I love surprises,” I said with confidence – she’d like what I like, like most girls do, I figured. But she didn’t change her tune, though I still didn’t believe her. What girl doesn’t like surprises?

We’ve been dating for three months, you see, but we live in different towns. It’s just as well, because she says her friends can’t imagine what she sees in me. She’s pretty smart and works at a taco stand. Me? I dropped out of middle school, but I suppose I must be wise or something. She always tells me I am ‘streetwise’, whatever that means.

My surprise for Azul is to show up on her birthday. Of course she’ll be taking me out for a burger... she always seems to have money!

I called her in the morning to set things up. “So Babes, it’s your birthday, huh?” Calling her Babes sounds very macho, eh?
“Yes it is, coming over?”
“No” I lied, “I’m broke. Probably gonna stay home and watch TV. What about you?”

“I’m not sure yet” She said sounding OK with it.

“You’ll be home all day?” she asked.
“Yup, can’t go nowhere.”
“I might drop by later. You’ll be there?” She said.
“Sure.” I smiled. She bought it. I guess that’s my “street-wisdom”. She’ll never expect me.

Later that day I took the bus to her apartment with my last two bucks. I knocked but no one answered, which seemed strange. It had started to rain now, but I went to her window and looked in. It was dark, but it looked like she was doing her nails by the bed. I rapped on the window but she didn’t move. I flipped my phone open and called her. But damn! I was getting wet.

“Where are you?” she said as my phone credit ran out. She’d call back - she always did. I peered in again wondering why she didn’t move. Then I thought how she sounded strange, strained. A little worried now, my mind putting the scene together, I ran to the front door and tried to open it.
“What are you doing?” I heard Gorillas big voice ask behind me.
I turned around to see him staring blankly.
“Azul’s in trouble,” I blurted and resumed ramming my shoulder into the door.

“Are you sure?” the unfazed Gorilla asked.
“She’s slumped over by the bed and not moving! I think someone tied her up!” I screamed.

By now, there was small crowd gathering, and with a single massive kick Gorilla brought the door down and we quickly found the figure slumped by the bed. It was her back-pack.

Gorilla coolly flipped open his phone, dialed and put it on speaker while handing it to me.
“Gorilla?” she said
“It’s me Babes, where are you?” I asked, a little mad and confused now.
“I’m on your front step in the rain, you idiot. Where are you?” she responded hotly. I only heard Gorilla shift and grow, but I didn’t see a thing.

(Thank You Andrea, for rearranging it).

©Naan Pocen

Count the Abacus

Lovers and Best Friends. Don't we all have them!!

I love my friends, especially those of you that give me a good cue to blog about. I have heard it said that men and woman are from different planets and I always say it’s a lazy cop out for people to refuse to understand someone just because they’re of a different gender. Still sometimes I find myself face to face with a situation where I find it really incredible to accept that the seeming naivety of the man in question is genuine. Unfortunately, for the most part it is.

And I say unfortunately very loosely here, because even though I empathize with the complexity of understanding the opposite sex, I fail to see how two and two won’t give you four if you have the abacus right in front of you and all you need to do is count!

I am not going into specifics here for respect of my muse (you know who you are). I love you to bits, you know that, but it’s very difficult not to touch the core of the matter here, so I’ll use my example and touch on your situation. It’ll make sense, you’ll see.

Now first question.

Why does a woman wear a form fitting outfit that reveals every delicious curve on her body? Yes, it is her size and it isn't tight....just revealing. True, but aren’t there also clothes her size that hang loose? She chose that particular style for a reason. Wanna guess?

Why does a man that is only a friend suddenly interested in knowing why that other fellow seems interested in you? Hey, you’ve both been good friends for a long time and he is only looking out for you…..or is he?

Why does she wear that wide-necked blouse, then tops it off with a very eye catching necklace that rests between her cleavage? OK, that was the size it came in. True, but why do you think it lies there?

Last question, but before I ask, I need to point something out. I have a great relationship with all my ex’s - ALL OF THEM, and I won’t find it out of place AT ALL if either of them calls or reaches out to me…. and they do too, often enough. Now with that said, I (Naan) regardless of what an awesome relationship we had in the past and how great we get along now, will never ( NEVER) consider an ex a ‘best friend’ material, very good friend, yes, best friend. N-E-V-E-R…..but this is just me, and more power to you if you can. That said.

Last week, I received an email from someone in my past. It was totally unexpected, and in a sense a pleasant surprise. It was then followed by a call a few hours later, then the very next day, then another email, you know, to find out what I had been up to and such, nothing wrong with that.

This person and I have a great relationship and we do check on each other often enough. But after 8 calls, five emails and two text messages in the span of four days, my radar picked something in that right away. This person had easy access to me and could call or write whenever they wanted, but for some reason or another had always been too busy with their lives; the demand of the job, parenting a pre-teen alone, living in another city….the usual. And I appreciate all of these reasons as it echoes my situation…..suddenly however this super busy person has the time to suddenly ‘drop by’ for a Pizza.

“Are you bringing the kid along?”

“Oh no, he’ll be at his grandma’s.”

“Aren’t you working? It’s a week day?”

“I could throw away a perfectly good day for a dear friend”

“O…..K……lunch then? Because I work this weekend and love my beauty sleep.”

“Lunch isn’t enough to catch up….you know? So many good memories…?”

Well, yes, some men are rather shallow like that, they just blurt it out. Women are subtle…..I won’t tell how the conversation ended, but long story short…..or rather, last question. Why does this understandably, super-busy person suddenly has a few hours to grab a bite and talk about old times? Hey, we ARE very good friends……could it be that something about my status threatens something about his place in my life?

OK

Let’s quit hiding behind the guise of being naïve when an ex is making their presence felt, even if in subtle ‘friendly’ ways…..there is always a catch…..

So…. very good friends with ex eh? You may want to lay a more solid foundation of what you are building right now before you go playing lovers and best friends. Dude, count the abacus; it’s right in front of you! And I tell you this because I love you to bits and I want you happy….see? I told you I’ll make you anonymous and I pulled it. Yay!!……Seriously though, the obvious is always obvious if we care to look closely enough.

We are Infections! Yes we are.

I have been thinking today. There are basically three kinds of people. Those that infect others, those that get infected and those that don’t infect yet profusely refuse infection. And from my experience, the most pleasant of the three to be around are those that have managed to create a healthy balance of all three. And the most unpleasant are the ones that cling to one trait and refuse the others. Believe it or not a little bit of infection and infecting is good for the soul and so also is resistance to infection.

I make it sound like a disease and I suppose in a sense it is.

I believe every person starts at a point, as a blank sheet, a clean slate. The experiences we have and the people we encounter begin slowly to paint a picture on the sheet that is us (And yes, we infect others as much as they infect us). And for the first few steps of the journey, we take in what we are presented with, partly because of its novelty and partly because we are waiting for the picture to become clearer, to make sense.

Some people are lucky enough to see almost right away that something is wrong with the picture painted and they resist it, and instead create a new theme for the painters to follow (remember the painters are the people we encounter and the experiences we live), and creating a theme is all about us deciding for ourselves how we want our pictures to be painted and what it will reveal eventually.

Others are less lucky they wait until the picture is almost done and recognizable before they halt it. Two things happen here, there is then either a heavy feeling of hopelessness at realizing how much damage has been done and submitting to the ugliness of that picture as one’s fate, or beginning the process of erasing it. Now the second option takes a lot of strength courage and determination.

Erasing a painting is nothing like erasing lead on paper. We’re talking colours, hues, textures – trying to make all of that a bland blankness is extremely difficult but not impossible. So in order to even arrive at a point where the general idea of the picture painted is dissolved, a chopping, chiseling and shedding of one’s personality occurs until by the time you arrive at that dirty but plain blandness of an erased picture you are someone else, albeit still you.

Again at this point, you can decide to hike up your spunk a notch higher and attempt to draw a new picture on the dirty canvass, maybe not with as many colours, but textures and hues and shadows, and with enough determination you might be able to create a silhouette that is breathtaking. Not all is lost. Alternatively, you can rest. And most people do and it’s understandable too.

The third kind of person is the sort I call the coward. That’s the one that doesn’t like the picture painted, stops it midway, refuses to decide on a theme and basically is suspicious of anyone that attempts intimacy. Worse still hasn’t the courage to retrace their steps to recreate the picture. So, they carry on with a half painted canvass that says nothing yet is loudly colourful.

Interestingly though, the whole experience makes us to a certain degree infective, some are rather imposing with themselves on other, probably for fear that if they don’t ‘do’, they will be ‘done for’. Others are just too exhausted from resisting that they settle for whatever infection is imposed on them and the cowards although hardly ever infect anyone, fight infection profusely.

Infection is not altogether a bad thing because (believe it or not) there are those that have learned the hard way and have realized that life is all about sowing what you reap. They infect positively because it’s what they hope to get in return, even if not from the same channel.

What I am saying is, NO ONE ever has the perfect picture painted by just being passive. Activity can create or destroy, but the ability to be recognize the creating power and to reach for it, takes initiative….SO, the question is, what does your painting say? What do you want it to say? And what are you doing to make it say just that?

Tailing Iscariot.

He walked with a ring on his ear

He thinks pain is in tears:

I have lived with pain for a long time

So a simple head nod

And soft painful sighs

Speak to me more

Than a thousand sad words

Or a torrent of tears.

He walked before me boldly

He believed the world

should be conqured with offensive rage

But I have fought too many times

And true victory isn't

In the little battles

But in being the conqueror

At the end of the war.

He walked with his loin cloth baring his butt

He wanted to lead the way;

He truly felt he had it all figured out.

He wanted to put me in place,

But the bare sight of his nakedness

Revealed a vulnerability

That I cover; standing behind

Made me his shield.

He walked fast, looking up, barking orders

He forgot that sometimes when

The wind is speaking, we can only hear in silence

I heard the warning

But I could not convey it

He was still howling and gliding on

And heading toward the trap;

And I saw him fall.

He should get up and carry on and be.

He may get it at last

That pain is beyond tears, rage never conquers

And no one ever does it alone;

None knows it all or figured out.

He may even realize

That our true strength is

In our very weakness.

 

 

©Naan Pocen

I lose with Style!

I have a big mouth!

And I don't mean the size of my smile. I have a big mouth .... or rather a (sometimes) over confident trust in my knowledge about things I am passionate about, a certainty and trust for my source of information plus a dash of cockiness putting my point across (Hey! It takes a recipe to make Naan - trust me!)

I found myself in a situation that led to a bet on a matter I knew so well, like the hair on my chest (hey! I know my chest...) and so naturally I knew I'd win....I lost! And losing (for me) entailed wearing a tie to work, taking of photo of it and blogging about it. Me and my big mouth eh?

What can I say? I felt very silly walking my daughter up to her class at summer school with a few heads turning to look at me. I was like 'Come on girl, of all the colour of ties to wear, you picked the bright one to that dark face'. But I held my head high and wore a boldness about me as though it was intentional. I think it paid off too because one of the mothers told me how very 'stylish and original' (her words). Thank goodness my glasses are photochromic I could hide behind them.

Well, I got to the office and I blended in nicely, it was nothing new - Just Naan being Naan. Heck, who ever heard of a shoulder-less top and a bright TIE!!???!?!?? I must tell you, it took a good cause to make me keep that tie on all day; a celebration of someone rather charismatic and very special; it's his birthday you see. Happy Birthday Andrew (And you too William).

So there! I wore a tie. I took a photo. I blogged about it. Heck! I am a loser with STYLE.....oh, and a big thank you to Dani for taking the photo, you're a doll!

It's like being caught with my hand in the cookie jar!

Hallelujah! I just saw here, from the multiple uses of lemon that I got at least one thing right! My kitchen counter cleaner is good and eco-friendly.

I use a mixture of lemon juice, vinegar and water to clean my kitchen counter and my glass coffee table, I got the recipe from a friend when I complained about being possibly allergic to store bought, all purpose, cleaning sprays. I don't know about you all, but I am bit of a cleaning freak when it comes to areas or surfaces that my food (kitchen) and body (bathroom) come in contact with. So I am constantly cleaning. For the life of me, I haven't found any of those supermarket products that don't make me sneeze or cough while using them. Annoying. So my friend asked me to try the LVW concoction and voila! It does the job well and doesn't irritate my air passage at all.

I have this crazy idea, that if I cook a meal on a dirty cooker surface, it'll be full of germs, so I have my cooker tops ALWAYS cleaned before and after cooking. My sisters think I am a bit of a cleaning freak. …ok, off topic there….. What I am trying to get to is this, I usually await the beginning of anything – a week, a month a season - to implement a new resolution. So (you guessed it). I spent most of yesterday planning what new changes I would implement starting August 1^st.

I have for years been thinking I ought to change my ways, but so far that is all I have done. Think. Yesterday, I took my kid to McDonalds, feeling guilty about it to and fro, yet I did, because I didn't want to come home to cooking, while nursing an annoying cold.

A friend of mine said to me, when he learned I had fed her that junk "Do the best you can, dear, do the best you can" and for some odd reason it followed me around all day like a stubborn mosquito! The interesting thing about it all, was I got the feeling it was said with so much conviction, yet no judgment, which was probably why I couldn't shake it off.

So this morning, I fed her milk and biscuits for breakfast….not home made biscuits I'm afraid. It beats the iced tea and biscuits I normally would let her have though. She normally would ask for iced tea and I'd indulge, but when I suggested milk instead, she was all smiles and actually thought it was a treat! Poor child.

I see a repeat here and it bothers me. Growing up, black coffee and eggs on toast was breakfast for me and I see her having the same unhealthy choices I had as a child…..

Lunch was polenta and parmesan cheese, not sure how healthy that is. Interestingly, my child is a vegetarian, in that she doesn't quite like meat or animal protein, can't explain why, she hatse fruits though. The closest she has come to eating fruits is in flavoured yogurts.

I am not very creative in the kitchen I am afraid, so healthy eating will certainly be a challenge. I have for so long fed on fruits and veggies due to lack of interest in cooking rather than healthy choice, and I have allowed her to make an equally lazy choice. Only problem is I ingest a healthier variety than she does….talk about being irresponsible!

So I go around surfing the net trying to come up with possible ideas ( we'll begin this green living by detoxifying our bodies first) and I found this link. It felt like being caught in the middle of sinning! Why should it be? Is it probably because I see a confession of acts I wish were mine?

I shall make a simple plan to begin with. I'll come back in a week and tell you how we did. It's going to be a crazy week. I shall be super busy, but I won't use that as an excuse (I hope) to put off being responsible another day. Wish me luck.

A Man Called Papà

I do know how to put myself in a rather tight corner. Ever since my writer’s block lifted, I have pushed myself to extremes, working on two anthologies and a poetry chapbook, all almost completed. The latest being my attempt to finish a novel by September, in time to enter it for the Mslexia Women’s novel competition.

I received my last copy of Mslexia from my subscription (which I intend to renew by the way) and found that they are inviting bloggers to guest blog for them, and the first thought that crossed my mind was 'Hey, I’ll apply’.

The problem of course is I have not blogged in ages!!

Still, I have written a handful that I had hoped to publish in a weekly succession here with the hope of attracting my target audience for the September novel, which the working title is ‘A man called Papà’ by the way.

So, fingers crossed, I shall be writing to Mslexia for a chance to blog for them. Wish me luck.

Receiving kindness from others begins with you being Kind to yourself.

A day after Christmas, I was in a creative art meeting with some really talented people. I got caught up in a conversation, a woman wanted some relationship advice, why she would trust the judgement of a bunch of ladies she knew nothing about besides a common love for a hobby is beyond me. I for one am clearly not the picture of someone that has it altogether relationship-wise. Either way, I listened. She asked some rather pointy questions about men’s behaviours; the confusion of dealing with someone that goes AWOL too often, then shows up when you least expect him to, showers you with attention and gifts then vanishes again, leaving you wondering if you’ll ever figure out his moods. The one thing that came to mind was ‘He’s not that into you’.

Funny that I should feel that about her situation, as I have had to deal with such situations myself. But I didn’t tell her. I didn’t feel it was my place to. Heck, she knew this person better than the rest of us and should be able to answer her question more than any of us could. I did think though, how common a situation that is - finding oneself enamoured with someone that isn’t that into you.

For example, a lot of people (especially men) seem to think I am independent, because I pull my own weight. I have never had to depend on a man to support me financially. Now that isn’t because I don’t want it. Heck, it’s part of our (women’s) DNA to want to be taken care of and protected. However, if all you’ve experienced of men are takers, you learn early on to pull your own weight, and somewhere along the line it becomes such a habit that you can’t break it even when the opportunity to, presents itself.

Now fast forward to shady relationships I’ve found myself in, where the guy continually reminds me of how independent I am as though it was a noble achievement. I am thankful for having had learned early on to be self efficient, but heck, I do get tired every now and then and sincerely want to find a refuge where I can hide and rest. But I cannot sincerely blame the men I attract. My self sufficiency has always been my first foot forward. I believe it is because subconsciously, I want the man in question to know right away that what I am looking for isn’t material. But hey, let's skip the pigeonholing and encourage more self-reflection and personal responsibility.

The truth is, I have been good at projecting what I am NOT looking for, but I haven‘t quite been clear on what I wanted, so can I really blame the men for taking and not giving? I mean, heck! It’s human nature to want to find something or someone to exploit, and if one finds a person that doesn’t care for their money, what’s to stop them from exploiting you? And if we make room for vagueness because we want to give them a free rein to choose and decide, can we sincerely claim the right to feel offended if their choice of treatment towards us is hurtful? If you are looking for a certain kind of commitment, do yourself the courtesy of being clear (to yourself first) about WHAT you want, as long as you are clear on that, you will be able to judge early on if you are getting it from the person you are investing yourself on.

It is NOT wrong to have specific wants; it saves you the trouble of being bitter with someone for not living up to your expectations, and if they choose to walk away, when what you want is made clear, then that tells you, you are with the wrong person. Someone (you included) that doesn't have the courtesy and kindness to be upfront and be clear, instead of being vague in their communications, just shows a lack of respect and decency.

Back to this woman’s question, WHY does her man do the AWOL and Make up too often? Simple, you (not necessarily her) are that needed boost to his ego. He loves you yes, but it’s more like, he loves the way you make him feel about himself. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with loving you for who you are. He has a life and has priorities and you aren’t one of them. But he needs you, because, like everyone else, he gets in a funk every now and then, and that’s when you become useful.

That’s when he comes back after the AWOL with an explanation for his absence - he was working on an intense project; his boss/partners were on him for a project that needed to be concluded urgently; he had to deal with some unexpected personal tragedy; he went to a retreat somewhere, where there was no telephone signals; he was out of town (when indeed he was probably sitting at home watching cartoons, or spending time with the person that really matters him); he was ill….the list is endless. The shit of it is that they are all legit and believable, and heck, even acceptable explanations.

But let’s be honest here, when you want something (or someone) and you want them badly enough, you will MAKE a way to be available ALL THE TIME, at worse anticipate you unavailability no matter what. You may say, yes but he emails when he can, he sends text messages, he is very sweet when he finally surfaces, that has to count for something? See, he isn’t exactly an idiot, so he comes with the right attitude - missing you and showering you with whatever makes you tick, because he knows that with the right tweaking, he gets you caressing his big fat ego with your adoration of him…..He will go AWOL as soon as he is satisfied.

Now here is a home truth. Most of the time, these takers tell you from the onset that they are not that into you, but it is often times so sugar coated that we ignore it. We are responsible for being kind to ourselves. Be specific to yourself what you want in any relationship. If an FSA (f**k service agreement) is what you are after, be clear about that. If you want a relationship with a certain level of commitment and accountability, be clear about that too. Do not be coy about sharing your opinion on the matter with the other person either. What is most important is to pay attention to what the other person is saying to you, especially when your expectations has been made clear. It will save you the trouble of making excuses for their bad behaviour.

Trust me, there isn’t a pain as painful as longing for someone that is not that into you. It is sad for you to like somebody that doesn't like you the same way, and that's tough enough. But there's nothing like the torture of waiting and hoping and longing and making excuses and dragging it out. If you take away all of the waiting and hoping and longing, all you're left with - at worst -is, 'I like him. He doesn't like me.' And you‘re done. You can move on.

Now, you have two choices, the next time he disappears again, let him go, and go get a life yourself, or wait for the next make up visit, because it will come as soon as he finds himself in a funk again. A taker (man or woman) will do anything to get what they want from whoever is available. Be kind to yourself this year, Define what you expect and go for it. It’s out there waiting for you, you just need to recognize it. Happy New Year!.

©Naan Pocen